long time no see life has kind of got me in a choke hold with flights, trips and work .
I'm half way through May which is always a busy time for me . I wanted to take a step back and write to you guys again. I really enjoyed writing my last post about my thoughts,views,and experiences, so I'll definitely be doing that a lot more.
This month happens to be a very important "mental health awareness month" Im really excited to do a couple of post based on this topic. Mental health is something that I rarely feel comfortable talking about to even close friends. I've never been one to be able to put my feeling out there I always have felt kinda of corny in a sense . I dealt with a lot of anxiety and paranoia growing up . I remember constantly worrying about the worst possible situation of very average daily task. As a kid I was always crying about things I thought might happen. The worst part of fearing the unknown is the fact it may never come . So youre waiting for the worst possible mishap to unfold and your body is so ready for fight or flight . Your tense, your afraid ,Stomach in nots,and cant sleep. By the time its all over you loath on the fact that none of it was real. It was all in your head, but what now ?
Growing up fat played a major role in that fear . I was constantly anxious about people staring at me or judging me. I'd tear up in fear with people who would even glance my way. I struggled and was afraid to talk about it with the people close to me. Fearing they would think I was being over dramatic or even worse lying . It can get to a certain point where you just don't want to push yourself to meet people anymore. My anxiety affected a lot of my social life as a young adult. When people describe me I often get ; Funny,kind,strong,and happy.For a while those descriptors felt like a façade. Since I was younger I thought I just knew how to play the game correctly . You know ? socialize smile compliments and say things that people will like. I just wanted to get by . I dreaded small talk even though I was amazing at it. I was scared not of what would come of the conversation but after.
What would they say about me when I walk away ? What were they thinking while I was talking? Are they just being nice ?
Those questions would eat away at me for days sometimes weeks.
During the worst phase of my anxiety as an adult I began to have panic attacks. I started having irrational fears of stroke,brain aneurysms,cancer, tumors anything of the sort. Checking my pulse became a habit, constantly trying to make sure my heart wasn't ready to explode . I began incessantly doing little chants when panic set in, things to make me feel safe ,in control. It became tedious and the more control I thought I had the more I actually lost. I'd lay in bed writing my good bye letters thinking this was the night my body would give out on me. I saw friends less and less and started feeling a loss of who I was anymore.
How do I talk to someone about this ?
Who would really understand? I wont sugar coat this , It wasn't easy . Not every person you reach to will always understand. I gave up for a longtime but being able to verbalize my fears became easier with the help of a few people who did understand.
I wish this post was about how to solve all your anxiety issues but its not. I believe sharing your experiences and obstacles can help people understand ,manage ,and appreciate their mental health more. No this isn't a story about how I over came it all . I still wake up a lot of the times riddled with anxiety . You are only human and are still learning about yourself and the world.
So what do you do when your anxiety is seriously shredding your mental state to pieces?
These are all little things I do when my anxiety gets the better of me ;
-Listen to music.
Simple I know, but if you're anything like me music feeds the soul. Some songs can have such a infectious vibe to them that even on my darker days I can find myself humming happily to my favorite songs. Try making a mood boosting playlist with all your favorite songs!
-Practice some selfcare.
Reduce clutter and any other overwhelming factors out of your space. For me cleaning can really relieve stress and make me feel like a have it at least a little more together . A clean space is a happy space!
I always feel like a complete bad-ass after working out and it always raises my mood and takes the pressure off my everyday worries.
-Reach out to someone.
We all have someone we talk to. Whether it be your best friend ,your mom, your dog or a pillow verbalize your issues. I feel so stressed sometimes I breakdown. I cry and I feel like the world is about to end . The minute I start to talk about my issues they start to feel smaller less threatening .It always good to let it out to cry a little and to take life a little bit lighter .
I know by now you are reading this thinking DUH! I know these are the basics of selfcare and taking care of your mental health. The basics matter and I didn't think that for a while . Do these little things after a huge burst of anxiety or one of those days that leaves you completely drained from it can really make you feel human again.
I got a little carried away sorry !
But I really hopes this helps and can make someone realize they aren't alone.
"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy."
I love you guys so much !